When It Rains It Pours

I am desperately trying to be grateful for the good things in my life. I am trying to be grateful for what we have and not focus on what we don't. It's not been easy. On Sunday Jeremy fell asleep while driving and crashed into a telephone pole. Arianna was in the car with him. Everyone is okay but our van is totaled. We have insurance & gap insurance so the car will be paid off but we will no longer have a vehicle. I am trying hard not to focus on the fact that we no longer have a vehicle. I am trying to focus on the fact that everyone is okay and nothing else.

But it's not easy. It creeps up on me like "oh, well now I guess we can't get a Christmas tree" but I banish that thought and try and figure out if there is a tree lot close by so Jeremy could carry one home. There isn't so we are back to no tree but at least we will all be together this Christmas. Then there are the thoughts of how to get Charlie to his appointments. It's a big city we have a great bus system but taking a toddler & an immune compromised baby on the bus in Seattle winter (rain, rain, rain) really just isn't feasible. I looked into programs that will get us to and from appointments and they either require us to be on state medical (don't qualify) or be in some sort of treatment. If Charlie was getting chemo we could get transportation. But there is apparently no transportation for people in our situation. How does this happen? I will add this to my list of things i will provide for people when I win the lottery. Transportation for anyone needing to go to the doctor for any reason & a free daycare for siblings of patients.

Everyone is okay though. We are all here together. We don't have a car and won't have a car. We don't have a Christmas tree and won't have a Christmas tree. I have no way to get Charlie to and from appointments but we are all here and we are all mostly okay. I'm trying to tell myself it's all okay and it will all work out but I am a realist. Maybe we will all be okay but it rarely if ever just works itself out. So it's Christmas and I am struggling not to wallow in self pity and bitterness. But it's not easy. I can't help but feel like the universe just does not like us and is unfairly dumping on us. Maybe tho this is just karma and I've been a horrible person and I just haven't realized it. I haven't been perfect that's for sure. I'm not always kind or generous. I think mean things, I say mean things. I do my best but I definitely am not going to be considered a saint any time soon.

But we are all here. Charlie has cancer, we don't have a car, we don't have Christmas but we are all here and we are all as okay as we can be for the moment. I'm going to tell myself that's all that matters until I believe it because I don't have much else to go on.