Komo 4 news came and interviewed us about Charlie. His story is being used to help promote a telethon for Children's Hospital that will raise money for their charity care fund. We are so blessed to have been approved for Children's Charity care as they will cover everything insurance does not cover for the next year. We still need to figure out how to cover $$ lost from Jeremy having to take time off even though he no longer has any paid time off left and things like the gazillion dollars in gas we spend going to Children's a few times a week.
None of that is the point of this blog post however. The intro to the news story was "baby fights for his life" and that has been running through my head all night. I know he has cancer, I know the survival rate is 50% and I know he's very sick. But the whole fight for his life thing just never really occurred to me. Every time I think about it I have to fight back tears because it's just a hard thing to imagine. He's 3 months old and this fight is ridiculous. A baby shouldn't ever have to fight for anything much less their life.
It really hits home that your baby has cancer when they are announcing it on the news. You don't really get to pretend otherwise anymore when it's all over the tv. I am glad we did the new story if anything it will help raise money for Children's and they mentioned donating blood to Puget sound blood center which is awesome since he has had so many transfusions and there is a good chance there are more in his future. But it's all pretty heartbreaking none the less.
I'm really struggling with this holiday season because all I want to do is enjoy my family and the holidays but there is a nagging thought in the back of my head that this may be the only Christmas we get with Charlie. I want more than one Christmas with Charlie I want at a minimum 45. I am putting in a request for a minimum of 45 Christmases with Charlie. We are trying hard to make this Christmas special. Not present wise as this is a year where we are struggling as a child with cancer isn't cheap (and really presents aren't what Christmas is about) but experience wise. I know that Charlie won't remember this Christmas but I will and the kids will. If it's the only Christmas that we get with him I want the kids to look back and remember the experience and the joy and the wonderment. If we get 45 more Christmases with him I want them to look back at this Christmas as a wonderful experience in the midst of our personal hell.
It's been hard balancing Charlie and the other kids. I want to be a supermom who can handle a baby with cancer and a toddler and a teenager but honestly it feels impossible. My oldest has been struggling and I've been struggling to help her. I'm looking into some support groups because I think she needs to talk to kids her own age and she just needs people who can listen to her who aren't distracted. I feel awful that I can't give her all that she needs and I try to be there for her but sometimes I am spread so thin it's hard to give her everything that she needs. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my own feelings about Charlie that sometimes I forget that I'm not the only person this is happening too.
Here is to hoping that I can pull myself together for the next 20 days to make this Holiday season memorable and not just because it sucked. And here is to all my kids who are all struggling and fighting I think my new years resolution will just to be a stronger mom who can keep it together enough to help all three of them because they all three need me even if one is in a fight for his life.
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