Charlie was prescribed vitamin d today. Breast milk has next to no vitamin d and he's on a very small amount of formula just enough to give him 22 extra calories per feeding. Low vitamin d is a pretty common thing in the Pac NW and it can cause all kinds of issues especially in a person who already has issues.
When they went over the dosing they explained that the current amount is the winter dose and there is a different dose for summer because in the summer her will be getting some sun. The idea of a summer dose has been haunting me all night. It made me realize that Charlie might not be here for summer. I am trying hard to have faith and have hope and convince myself everything will be alright. But the reality is he has a 50% survival rate which means he has a 50% chance of not making it.
I have to believe he will make it, he will be okay. But this isn't a movie. No one is guaranteeing us a happy ending our story isn't required to end well to keep movie goers happy. All I want to do is plan for Charlie's future but I don't know how to do that when I'm so scared that Charlie being with us will be so brief. I keep telling Jeremy that I don't think I can be one of those inspirational stories. But even more so I don't think I can be a mom of a baby that isn't here anymore. I don't think that I have that in me.
I don't know how to finish this blog because what else is there to say? Besides possibly begging the universe to make my baby okay. It's not fair to bring him here and then torture him for months on end and then at the end all we have are memories of this awful time and nothing to show for it. At the end of this I deserve a healthy baby for going through all this hell. I think that going through this hell earns me three healthy kids who grow up to be three healthy and happy adults. I also don't think that I am asking too much because there are people out there with healthy, happy kids and live happy wonderful lives. I don't even need wonderful I will settle for mediocre. As long as mediocre comes with a side of three healthy, happy kids.
I'll be praying. I read every word of every post. You are an inspriation to me.
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