The Cost of Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving fast approaching I am trying to think of all the things that I am thankful for. It's a struggle because really I'm just bitter and angry at the world and being thankful seems stupid and a waste of time because what the hell has being thankful ever done for me? That said there has to be some things to be thankful for.

• Jeremy has a job
• We are not so broke we are selling our possessions
• We have health insurance
• We have the kids
• I have friends and family

Of course it honestly feels like the universe is desperately trying to strip me of all the things that I could possibly be thankful for.

• Right now Jeremy is on FMLA he is out of paid time off but he is able to miss work with no repercussions. That won't last. He has been with his company for a very long time and I am very hopeful that they will continue to be flexible but as it stands Jeremy cannot miss anymore work at all. No more appointments, no more helping out with hospital stays etc.
• Hospital stays cost a lot. Not the medical bills portion. But simple things like food/gas/coffee etc. really add up. We've had people bring us food and that was helpful but people can't bring us food for every meal. Our first hospital stay we had access to a fridge etc. so we could bring all our food. The second hospital stay Charlie was in isolation and anyone in isolation is not allowed to use the unit fridge etc. so we were forced to eat in the cafeteria as we had nowhere to store food. That was easy when he was in ICU as you don't have to stay with your kid at all times when in ICU. All other floors though you are expected to stay with your kid at all times. It's a children's hospital so you are encouraged to take your kid with you and they are allowed out of their rooms (except while in isolation) and allowed around the hospital. Unless they are like Charlie and are on oxygen. Which brings me to the second cost of gas. We racked up a lot of gas driving back and forth to switch off and bring each other meals. I don't even want to think of the wear and tear on our car. Then it's the things no one ever thinks of. Like for Charlie's first hospital stay he needed clothes but he needed warm clothes with easy access for doctors and all the monitors etc. so we had to buy some hospital friendly outfits which was another cost that was not easy to deal with since there was a time Jeremy was not at work and out of paid time off. We are facing at a minimum a 5 week hospital stay for Charlie's transplant which could actually mean we end up so broke we sell our possessions. Of course we don't have nice things so that won't end well, we even have "old fashioned" tvs!
• Our insurance is okay. It's a high deductible plan with a high out of pocket maximum. They have been denying claims but I'm trying not to think about that. We are applying for Children's financial aid no idea if we will qualify. In Washington state any person hospitalized for 30 days qualifies for state medical for one year...well Charlie was discharged after 29 days (they don't count the discharge date otherwise it would have been 30) so there goes that help for now. The reality is Children's will treat him and if we end up buried under a pile of medical bills that we can't pay we will face that hurdle some other day.
• I am thankful for the kids. So very thankful. It's a cruel thought knowing that Charlie could be taken from us. It isn't fair and doesn't make sense. Why give someone a baby only to take them away after torturing them for a few months? I'm tyring to be optimistic and assume he will get better but the reality is it's a 50% survival rate which in a glass half empty view means that he has a 50% chance of not making it and it breaks my heart. I know that it's okay odds there are other cancers that have worse odds. But 50% when you are talking about my innocent baby is just not comforting. I don't even want to think about the possibility of Henry having the same mutation and the same cancer. That's not even something I can handle because losing one is world crushing and losing both I don't even think there are words to describe that scenario.
• Very thankful for friends and family but in the back of my head i have to wonder how much they can deal with. How much support they can offer until it's too much. How much sadness they can endure in regards to this situation. How much they can help before it's too much? I've never been a person to ask for help or rely on people and now here I am helpless and needing so many people and I feel awful needing so much.

So there it is, the things I am thankful for are also the things that the universe just wants to take from me. I spend a lot of time thinking of shitty things I have done in my life and wonder if those are the reasons these are happening to me. But I remind myself that this isn't just happening to me. This is happening to Charlie who has never done anything. This is happening to his siblings who have never done anything. This is happening to Jeremy who may have done his own shitty things in his lifetime but he can't be punished for the things I've done. This is happening to all of Charlie's other family his grandparents, his cousins and aunts and uncles. None of them have done anything to deserve this. So it's just cruel and unncessary and quite frankly it's fucking uncalled for.

I'm just so sad. So sad and so scared and have so little interest in Thanksgiving. Being thankful just hurts because all the things I am thankful for feel so precarious.